More Animal Tails

Since I got so many nice reactions to the last lot,

https://stuwho.wordpress.com/2010/11/19/animal-tails/

here’s some more nonsense

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And, especially for my friend Wendy Lee, as a wee cheer-me-up,

cos she’s done the same for me

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THE CRAB

The Crab has a shell

And sharp claws as well

And they walk

In a side-aways motion

Underwater for miles

’Cos a crab’s got rock piles

And they can’t find

A suitable lotion

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THE DUNG-BEETLE

The Dung-Beetle tries

To forget the size

Of the dung-ball they constantly roll

They just cannot figure

How it keeps getting bigger

They should try to show more self-control

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THE ELEPHANT

Elephants feel

That they got a bad deal

‘Cos elephants can’t jump at all

In sporting events

They’d make gigantic dents

In the hurdles, and tracks

And footballs

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THE FLY

The Fly

Having flew flights

Flees flickering floodlights

And flammable flossy filoux

As he flip-flops, and flaps

There’s a flaw there, perhaps

That can flatten a fly with the flu

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THE GIRAFFE

The Giraffe’s neck is long

So, when he sings a song

His high notes can shatter wine glasses

His songs, ‘though popular

Won’t make him a star

‘Cos they go over the heads of the masses

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THE GOLDFISH

The Goldfish has a moving tale

That daily gets him ‘round his jail

A see-through prison made of glass

How slowly all his hours must pass

His memory is very short

Yours would be too, if you were caught

And spent your life inside a bowl

‘Twould shurely break your heart and shoal

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THE GORILLA

The Gorilla’s a beast

To avoid at a feast

As his etiquette lacks any manners

Lounging in cocktail bars

Eating Cuban cigars

‘Cos he thinks they are chocolate bananers

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THE HIPPOPOTAMUS

Hippo-Potamus is Greek

For River-Horse

And as we speak

In the Nile’s muddy rivers

There’s a man who delivers

Milk by hippo and cart, twice a week

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THE IGUANA

The iguana sits

On a rock, and spits and shits

And sits and shits

And spits and sits

And shits and spits

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THE JELLYFISH

The Jellyfish floats

In the sea

And some boats

Run them over without any warning

So, they silently squeal

‘Cos jellyfish feel

It’s a bad way to start off your morning

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THE KANGAROO

The Kangaroo jumps

So imagine the bumps

That he’d get on his head from low bridges

So he lives in Australia

Where it’s flat

But the failure

To evolve

Stopped them inventing fridges

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THE LION

The Lion controls

All the best waterholes

‘Cos lions are not known as wimps

He’d be no fun at all

If he drank alcohol

Staggering home

Looking for fish and chimps

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THE LLAMA

The Llama’s domain

Is in mountain terrain

So he never wears pinstripes or spats

He spits and he drinks

And god knows what he thinks

Of Peruvians in bowler hats

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Copyright Stu Who? – 2006

ANIMAL TAILS

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I’ve always delighted in the great British tradition of nonsense poems,

and have composed a complete alphabet of animal poems.


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THE ANACONDA

The Anaconda’s neighbours

Are oblivious to his labours

As he struggles to consume

A full-sized goat

Saying: “I would bite and chew

If I had teeth like you”

And he says it

With a big lump in his throat

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THE ANTELOPE

The Antelope’s horn

Isn’t there when he’s born

So, it must get a shock

When they grow

“I just got out of bed

And there they were on my head

And what they are for

I don’t know.”

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THE BUFFALO

The Buffalo’s arse and his eyes

Are always surrounded by flies

So he tends to complain

Just now and again

And again, and again,

And again

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THE CAMEL

The Camel’s prepared

To act quite debonaired

Whenever a party is thrown

When they run out of drink

He just says, with a wink

“That’s OK!

‘Cos I brought my own.”

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THE DONKEY

The Donkey hee-haws

‘Cos the size of his baws

Are gigantic, between his arse-cheeks

So, he walks legs apart

Really desperate to fart

Hee-hawing, and straining for weeks

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THE DUNG-BEETLE

The Dung-Beetle tries

To forget the size

Of the dung-ball they constantly roll

They just cannot figure

How it keeps getting bigger

They should try to show more self-control

Copyright Stu Who? – 2006

ELEPHANTASTIC

This is

undoubtedly

the best wee bit of

humorous animation

that

I’ve watched, in ages !!


I really laughed at this.



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Here are two of my Flying Elephant series of graffix,

from “Think Or Thwim”

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A book which I hope to publish

… eventually

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I think that it’s probably too cheerful a wee book for most publisher’s nowadays …

as it doesn’t concern my rehab-experiences,

or my struggle with heroin,

or my sexual-abuse as a child,

or violent upbringing

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“As a child … did your father touch you?


“Yeah … but not enough?”



There’s now a section in bookshops,

and even in Asda’s limited bookshelves,

and featured alongside Science Fiction, Thrillers,

Romance, Cooking, Biography,

Religion and Other Fantasies …

we find the increasingly popular

“Miserable Lives” section

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In the course of our present economic avalanche,

it’s expected that it will entirely occupy

75% of the shop’s floorspace,

by October

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eaglephant-piss-on

eaglephant-balance-of-power

stu-4c