Snow

Maggi and I had a wee wander, out in the fresh, white wonderland

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Click on the fotos to enlarge

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Knee-deep snow is knakkering to wade through, but it was a beautiful walk, and great to see so many kids out revelling in snow-angel exertions and snowperson constructions … more than you’d see out playing on a sunny day!!

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I shovelled my doorway clear, and ended-up suitably fukked and tired!

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White Magic!!

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The snow is so deep and heavy, the trees are bent double, and some have fallen over

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Twas gorgeous today … heavy snow, large dollops falling like a beaded curtain in front of you … and then when it stopped, it was … as they so rightly say, … deep and crisp and even

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Like stage-make-up on an old actress, making it appear fresh and clean again

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Although it’s beautiful to look at, I’m concerned that it’s gonna last long-term and make life very difficult in terms of travel, shopping, and in day-to-day concerns.


Maggi was sent home from school as only 9 pupils made it in because of the snow, from an intake of over 300 pupils … wow!


Tonight, our electricity went off … suddenly … as it does … and I immediately felt very aware of losing heating, lighting, and the subsequent possibility of pipes freezing … all this added to the fact that our roads are totally blocked, and the prospect looks like it may get worse before it gets better!!!

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Gladly, the power was only down for 30 minutes or so, but as soon as it came back on, I immediately started baking bread in a primal need for gathering provisions around me or something similar.


Fukkit … I’m getting the big knife, and going hunting in the morning … those squirrels that’ve been raiding my bird-tables, and nutty-fat balls are getting it!

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Mind you, eating squirrels does have it’s dangers, and they should carry a warning  – “May Contain Nuts”

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Blood Music – DUM DUM

A song I wrote and recorded, as DUM DUM, with Paul and Kahl , at Paul Cotton’s wee studio in Edinburgh, sometime in the late 90’s

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The song was originally inspired by seeing a famous Esso advert for petrol, which featured a tiger climbing in snowy mountains, which I thought was quite ironic as their jungle environments were being destroyed by the same corporate greed that Esso was (in)famous for, and that’s why tigers were being driven to live in higher ground, to escape man’s destruction. It seemed symbolic of our environmental fight with corporate insanity.

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More Animal Tails

Since I got so many nice reactions to the last lot,

https://stuwho.wordpress.com/2010/11/19/animal-tails/

here’s some more nonsense

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And, especially for my friend Wendy Lee, as a wee cheer-me-up,

cos she’s done the same for me

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THE CRAB

The Crab has a shell

And sharp claws as well

And they walk

In a side-aways motion

Underwater for miles

’Cos a crab’s got rock piles

And they can’t find

A suitable lotion

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THE DUNG-BEETLE

The Dung-Beetle tries

To forget the size

Of the dung-ball they constantly roll

They just cannot figure

How it keeps getting bigger

They should try to show more self-control

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THE ELEPHANT

Elephants feel

That they got a bad deal

‘Cos elephants can’t jump at all

In sporting events

They’d make gigantic dents

In the hurdles, and tracks

And footballs

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THE FLY

The Fly

Having flew flights

Flees flickering floodlights

And flammable flossy filoux

As he flip-flops, and flaps

There’s a flaw there, perhaps

That can flatten a fly with the flu

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THE GIRAFFE

The Giraffe’s neck is long

So, when he sings a song

His high notes can shatter wine glasses

His songs, ‘though popular

Won’t make him a star

‘Cos they go over the heads of the masses

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THE GOLDFISH

The Goldfish has a moving tale

That daily gets him ‘round his jail

A see-through prison made of glass

How slowly all his hours must pass

His memory is very short

Yours would be too, if you were caught

And spent your life inside a bowl

‘Twould shurely break your heart and shoal

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THE GORILLA

The Gorilla’s a beast

To avoid at a feast

As his etiquette lacks any manners

Lounging in cocktail bars

Eating Cuban cigars

‘Cos he thinks they are chocolate bananers

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THE HIPPOPOTAMUS

Hippo-Potamus is Greek

For River-Horse

And as we speak

In the Nile’s muddy rivers

There’s a man who delivers

Milk by hippo and cart, twice a week

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THE IGUANA

The iguana sits

On a rock, and spits and shits

And sits and shits

And spits and sits

And shits and spits

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THE JELLYFISH

The Jellyfish floats

In the sea

And some boats

Run them over without any warning

So, they silently squeal

‘Cos jellyfish feel

It’s a bad way to start off your morning

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THE KANGAROO

The Kangaroo jumps

So imagine the bumps

That he’d get on his head from low bridges

So he lives in Australia

Where it’s flat

But the failure

To evolve

Stopped them inventing fridges

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THE LION

The Lion controls

All the best waterholes

‘Cos lions are not known as wimps

He’d be no fun at all

If he drank alcohol

Staggering home

Looking for fish and chimps

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THE LLAMA

The Llama’s domain

Is in mountain terrain

So he never wears pinstripes or spats

He spits and he drinks

And god knows what he thinks

Of Peruvians in bowler hats

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Copyright Stu Who? – 2006

Phil Nichol & Dan Bern

In my earlier post of the splendiferous CORKY & THE JUICE PIGS, I omitted to mention my strange connection with band member Phil Nicol … he who plays guitar, magnificently, and sings melodiously, if manically … the same award-winning actor and stand-up, Phil Nichol, who continues to be one of comedy’s best, and coolest Dudes

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When we met, and ended up in a marathon “gettin-out-yir-face” session in a Fringe flat, and were eventually the last two still conscious in a room full of lightweights, we observed that we somehow felt we knew each other … or had met previously … but, as it was Corky’s first visit to Scotland, and I’d never visited Canada, where they hail from, it seemed unlikely

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And then Phil informed me that he had, in fact, been raised in Scotland until his parent’s emigration to Canada when he was a young kid

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Further investigation revealed that he’d been raised in Cumbernauld of all places … where I still stay to this day.

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When asked “Where in Numbernauld”, the surprising answer was “Kildrum” … the area of Scumbernauld where I’d stayed in my early years.

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Phil then inquired if I was the daft guy who used to sit on the outside step of his house, playing acoustic guitar, and who had excessively long hair, and wore a cowboy hat? …. and, horror of horrors, that eejit was in fact ME!! …. And I used to play silly songs for the local kids, and let them strum the geetar, and it turned out that Phil Nichol was one of those kids !!! …. fukkin’ell … howz THAT for a small world?

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So, I can proudly claim that I actually gave Phil his first guitar lesson … or as near as damn it!!!

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Over the years, we became firm friends, and he rewarded me with many great nights of comedy, a regular place to bunk in London, and the introduction to many fine people, and much fine music, as Phil is a musical treasure trove of weirdness of a unique and sublime quality

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Here’s one he put me onto … way back then, and who is still a firm favourite of mine … the mighty Dan Bern … check him out … ya won’t regret it

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http://www.danbern.com/

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Corky And The Juice Pigs

Back in the day … whatever the fukk that means … sometime in the early 90’s, I regularly did shows at the Edinburgh Fringe and was gobsmacked by the amazing array of diverse, and highly original comedy acts who appeared there for a mad 3 weeks of non-stop drinking, partying, and performing

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None more so than what I still believe to be one of the best, most original, tightest, most manic, and hilarious acts  EVER

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The legendary Corky and the Juice Pigs

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ANIMAL TAILS

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I’ve always delighted in the great British tradition of nonsense poems,

and have composed a complete alphabet of animal poems.


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THE ANACONDA

The Anaconda’s neighbours

Are oblivious to his labours

As he struggles to consume

A full-sized goat

Saying: “I would bite and chew

If I had teeth like you”

And he says it

With a big lump in his throat

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THE ANTELOPE

The Antelope’s horn

Isn’t there when he’s born

So, it must get a shock

When they grow

“I just got out of bed

And there they were on my head

And what they are for

I don’t know.”

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THE BUFFALO

The Buffalo’s arse and his eyes

Are always surrounded by flies

So he tends to complain

Just now and again

And again, and again,

And again

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THE CAMEL

The Camel’s prepared

To act quite debonaired

Whenever a party is thrown

When they run out of drink

He just says, with a wink

“That’s OK!

‘Cos I brought my own.”

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THE DONKEY

The Donkey hee-haws

‘Cos the size of his baws

Are gigantic, between his arse-cheeks

So, he walks legs apart

Really desperate to fart

Hee-hawing, and straining for weeks

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THE DUNG-BEETLE

The Dung-Beetle tries

To forget the size

Of the dung-ball they constantly roll

They just cannot figure

How it keeps getting bigger

They should try to show more self-control

Copyright Stu Who? – 2006