I’ve become a regular viewer of Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, a highly irreverant, but startlingly honest, review of TV and the media in general.
Fantastic stuff, on a regular basis
Here’s a bit of his from today’s Guardian
The Guardian, Monday 2 February 2009
This week, in a break from my traditional self-centred misanthropic festival of whining, here’s an abridged version of the New Media Dictionary; a useful compendium of terms and definitions for the exciting world of modern mass communication.
abbaration (abba-rayshun) n. Inexplicably successful West End musical based on the back catalogue of any once-popular pop act in the vein of Mamma Mia; eg: “I see Dancing On the Ceiling’s opened at the Lyceum. Think it’s some sort of Lionel Richie abbaration.”
auntiepathy (auntee-pathee) n. Ingrained tabloid hostility towards the BBC.
broverkill (bro-verr-kill) n. To be almost, but not quite, as bored of listening to people talk about how they don’t watch Big Brother as by the continued existence of the programme itself.
carolemalone (carol-mal-own) vb. To viciously pontificate about a celebrity’s perceived character flaws and imagined motivations while grinning like the dung-fed offspring of Peter Cushing and Zelda from Terrahawks channelling Kajagoogoo in your nightmarish byline photo; eg “For God’s sake, Jennifer, take off that fright wig and stop carolemaloning about John Cleese’s divorce, will you? You’re making my soul weep.”
chudge (chudj) n. An underqualified judge on an underwhelming TV talent contest.
commentally ill (com-mental-ly-ill) adj. To believe that airing one’s views in either a newspaper column or the Have Your Say section accompanying the online version of said newspaper column is a meaningful activity.
craptitude test (krap-ti-chewed tessed) n. A televised talent contest with a panel of chudges (qv).
crotchdog (krotch-dog) n. Dismal paparazzo whose career consists of lying in the gutter desperately pointing his camera up the skirts of celebrities exiting limousines.
dwindlethink (dwin-dull-think) vb. The process by which a member of the public forms an opinion on a subject of national importance after viewing a plebbledashed (qv) news report, then finds themselves passing it on to the nation when stopped in the street for another plebbledashed (qv) report the following day.
funography (phun-oh-grafee) n. Television programme which gleefully revels in its own hideousness. Also funographic (adj); eg: “Last night’s I’m a Celebrity was so funographic I chortled all the shame cells out of my body.”
i-witness (eyewitness) n. Any internet messageboard user quoted in a newspaper article in a bid to pad out a weak story; eg: “Leona Lewis fans were furious last night after the star pulled out of a charity gig at the last minute. An i-witness raged: ‘We’d queued in the rain for hours . . . Now when I look at my copy of Spirit it makes me want to puke.'”
Inspector Google (inspector googol) n. Allegedly “investigative” reporter who relies solely on the internet.
mock examination (mokk-eggs-ammy-na-shun) n. Close-up zoom-lens photograph of vaguely out-of-shape holidaying celebrity accompanied by disdainful copy pouring unwarranted scorn on their physical failings.
Mousemob (mows-mob) n. Gathering of indignant reality TV viewers on an internet messageboard hellbent on petitioning Ofcom over some illusory injustice perpetrated by their favourite programme; eg: “Within minutes of Jeremy Edwards being kicked off Dancing On Ice there was a 500-strong mousemob screaming ‘Fix!’ on Digital Spy.”
Nowtrage (nowt-rage) n. Lame and unconvincing tabloid outrage designed to create a self-perpetuating storm of controversy. Also, nowtrageous (adj); eg: “This Jonathan Ross pensioner sex-joke story in the News of the World is embarrassingly nowtrageous.”
Phwoared escort (fword-ess-court) n. Down-on-her-luck vice girl unwittingly captured topless on a hidden camera by an undercover tabloid reporter in order to illustrate a prurient article gleefully belittling her desperately unhappy circumstances.
Piersonality (peers-on-allitee) n. Self-consciously odious celebrity who trades on their own widely accepted repugnance to infuriatingly lucrative effect, thereby creating an unassailable feedback loop of violent loathing in absolutely everyone other than themselves; eg: Piers Morgan.
Plebbledash (plebbul-dash) n. To bulk up a television news report with needless vox-pop soundbites from ill-informed members of the public.
PR-reviewed phindings (peeyarr-rev-yood-fyne-dings) n. Light-hearted newspaper article based around any risible “scientific survey” produced by a marketing agency to promote a product or service; eg: “It’s the BREAST news men have heard in years – Britain’s women are set to evolve BIGGER BOOBS in future, according to scientists at Cardiff’s Wonderbra Institute of Titology.”
Printernot (pryn-ter-knot) n. Any example of a newspaper’s feeble attempt to appeal to a younger demographic by likening some aspect of itself to the internet, such as re-christening its letters page the “Messageboard”.
Scoffee break (scoff-ee-brake) n. Office lunchtime spent sneering pathetically at unflattering snaps of cellulite-peppered thighs in a Heat magazine mock examination (qv).
Twittle-cattle (twittul-cattul) n. Hordes of people patiently queuing up to moo aimlessly at each other in the latest online social networking craze.
Zerotoleriddance (zero-toller-riddantz) n. The moment the public mood finally and irrevocably turns against a hitherto-just-about-tolerable minor celebrity; eg, “We put Danielle Lloyd on the cover and sales nosedived; looks like she’s hit zerotoleriddance.”